“Big boys/girls don’t get scared!”
First of all, why are you lying to your kid? You are probably more frightened than they are throughout your day. Second, you are forcing them to reject what they are honestly feeling. Fear is not a bad thing, it reminds us when to be careful. You should not run away from it but face it, be aware, learn from it. And real courage is not being fearless, but facing your fear even if you are terrified.
Instead of this, tell your kid: “It’s ok to be scared, buddy. All of us are scared sometimes. But I know there is courage inside of you that will help you do the right thing even if you are scared. You are my little hero!”
“I am disappointed in you!”
Parents usually tell this to their children when they already feel bad. Trying to make them responsible for your disappointment is pretty selfish. You can be disappointed in a friend, you can be disappointed in a movie or even your country’s politics, but you can’t be disappointed in your child. You are there to let them on a right path. So when they do something wrong, guide them back. Your disappointment is in your guidance, not your child. Teach your child what that they did is wrong and why.
Instead of this, tell your kid: “What you did is wrong, in my opinion. And I believe you made an honest mistake. Even if you chose to do what you did, I can assure you’ll realize it’s wrong after I explain. I know you can do better!”
“You are not [something] enough!”
By saying this to your children you are showing them a pretty restricted image of themselves. You are implying that there is something they are lacking in order for them to do what they love or be who they want to be. Even though you are not saying that they are not enough, you are programming their mindset that way. They are enough to be themselves. They always are. A tree is enough to be a tree even when it is only a seed. But it needs to grow in order to become what it is.
Instead of this, tell your kid: “You are enough to be or do what you love. But sometimes we all need to train or practice something before, in order to grow that way.”
Sources: Psychology Today; http://www.redbookmag.com
